the worst times

the worst times of this quit, and what i did to get through them:

by far the worst times happened during the night between day one and day two; twice that night i woke in a cold sweat, shaking, wanting a cigarette so bad i could taste it. looking back, it felt like the demon was simultaneously tearing at my guts with razor-sharp talons while whispering "sweet nothings" (its deceitful promises of relief) in my ear. i screamed into my pillow, i repeated "LIAR!" and "NO! i will NOT feed you!" over and over, i grabbed fistfuls of blanket, stuffed them into my mouth and bit down hard as hard as i could on them, i gritted my teeth, i refused to get out of the bed, i tossed and turned and shook like a leaf... even now, only a few days later, its hard to recall everything that i went through that night, but i clearly remember thinking it was the worst night of my life. when i woke up the next morning, i felt exhausted, but also exuberant - i had prevailed! i had beaten the demon! it made it much easier to commit to not smoking on day two; i knew that, having gotten through that night, i could get through anything else the demon could throw at me, because he had already done his best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) and i didn't budge. i felt incredibly strong that morning.

the second-worst time was mid-afternoon on day two; i was sitting at my desk at work when i got hit by a freight train of craving almost as bad as what i went through the night before. and it seemed to just keep coming, with no lessening of intensity - i took several deep breaths, i stood up and walked around, i told myself over and over that i was NOT going to feed the demon; none of that worked - the urge was still coming on real strong. then i remembered a tip that i got from debi early on; she suggested that i keep copies of everything i posted on the ffs boards (along with copies of anything that anybody else posted that "clicked" with me) and commit to myself that i'd read every single word before i caved. so i started saving all that stuff (and emailing copies of it to myself at work), and now i read through every single word... when i got done, the jones was still going strong, so i went on-line, got onto the ffs boards, and started searching them for every thread i had either started or responded to - and i read every word of every one of those threads. by the time i was done, the urge had finally passed, and i was out of the woods again.

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